I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
