I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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