your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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