I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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