I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
