woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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