your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
