I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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