Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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