My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
