yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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