I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
