great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
