Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
