I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
there is glitter all over my balls
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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