I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
