I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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