for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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