How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just want nice things and good sex
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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