I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
