He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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