i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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