we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
