I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
