we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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