Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
