It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
