Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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