I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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