he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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