my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
