Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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