is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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