She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
