I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
