Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
