Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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