i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
