I am spending my child support on dildos
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
