When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm passing your future prison.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
