I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
