I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
