I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
