Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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