I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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