I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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