This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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