So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
