I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
