i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
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He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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