If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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