I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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