His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
