i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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