mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
